fck you I HATE YOU.

Bjork rears her ugly head AGAIN. Oh gross. Spare me. Definitely out, i say.

in another / time

I know its all been somewhat of a dream. Meant nothing. Not to you, anyway. Still you didn't have to tear it apart. Not like that. Cos it hurts. So much. And you never knew it ...

How far would you have gone if i hadn't stopped you? Really.

Deedeedee. My back hurts like siao! Missed a massage session with .. "fighterplanes,oil,soccer" (haha man, haha. that is a damn cute name.) Damn. Talking down a stairwell is. Funny. And broken toenails are gross. And people keep appearing. And the super-paranoia still hangs in the air from last night/morning. And the shaggedness of it all. Sigh. Its hitting me now. My eyelids droop ever lowerrrrr.........

I'm playing blink and trying to pump some music-derived adrenaline into my bloodstream. Maybe i should blast it louder. There. Maybe i should do the obs narrative now.. Been trying to run away for awhile. Here goes...

OBS

• Day 1
  Quite a nothing day? All we ever did was. Climb a lousy 3meter pole to learn belaying. And i know i didn't really like shuxian then cos she just kept talking boring craps. But then it got a little better later .. Then we sat on the floating pontoon and talked funny logic jokes and games that i never got (ooh ouch so dumb)
  And stupid. Dumb. Thoughtless. INCONSIDERATE serene woke me up from precious sleep at 3.30am to accompany her to the toilet. (no i won't ever forget this. beware.)

• Day 2
  PT cancelled so waking up at 5sth was quite useless. Climbed a tripod later! Oh. Um. Thank yous val and honnie for being mean to me while i was up there so i got pissed and managed to gather enough pissoff energy to jump off that stupid platform for the flying squirrel. Whee! Yay val and hon are nice people.
  Oh and Blisterer! I guess i'm a little sheepish around here cos. I'm dissing everyone's idea and they're prob all damn pissed with me cos i kept insisting barrels couldnt be underwater. So they can. Hang my head in embarrassment. (ouch that hurt my back. yeowww) And i had no strength at all so i was just slacking around while people go around getting blisters on their hands from pulling rope. Feel bad again =( Sorry. And we did get it into the water and it was a really good raft yeah! And i'm a sheep. Quite. Yeah laugh at me.

• Day 3
  Rockclimbing. So much easier than our sch's! Got past the red line but i had no guts to climb the centre panel. Go val you rock. (pun? nvm don't kill me!) And. Oh. Gladys was my belayer. And it was then that i got kinda .. shocked? She was. Just so warm and spontaneous and nice. It like, left me shaken. And led to another bout of introspection. Sort of like, why am i so aloof and cold and antisocial all the time. And why do they make efforts to be nice to me. And somehow this yearning to be like them.
  And later shuxian gathered us all in a circle and there was this metaphorical rockclimbing/life thing. And it led to everyone crying. And. I didn't cry. (Shit i'm missing sth here i bet.) Another shock/shake. This incident kind of struck me quite deep. Sudden realization leaves you dazed for a while.

• Day 4
  Land Ex. Walkwalkwalk. Oh did i say walk. But ooh the walker's high you get? Its really good and you can't shake it off even after you reach the campsite. Like we put our bags down and still couldn't stop walking =) Hmm. Pretty much happened during the walk lah. We were like hacking through the forest when there was like, no path even. (forgot to include parangs in the packing list) And we're good man! Crashcrash. Oh and bukit puaka. 74m high and the tallest spot in pulau ubin. Spectacular view? Nah, not quite. And we spent 3 hours more walking there instead of just stopping at the campsite. Shuxian : "Very near! Yes it's very near!" Yeah thanks shuxian you really pulled us through.
  Swimming in the quarry's fun! Nice blue water. Swam with the ducks. (ducks. yeahright.) And i forgive valerie for all the mean things she did to me in there. Yup. You're clean now.
  Cooking. Eating crunchy sausages and chicken curry. Sharing food with serene (wow i'm really honoured) And i'm once again, sigh, apologizing again. Cos i refused to go out of the tent to help with washing the pots and things. Slackness tantrum. Now i'm really burdened yeah. Its eating into me. Sorry again. Sorry val and hon and glad and j-en and mingjing and everyone who did sth. Sigh. More things. Peeing and shitting by the roadside. Getting 2 mosquito bites on my butt. Getting the poncho people pissed. Sleeping next to sweet-smelling things and a pile of dettol powder serene dumped around her head. Getting a dent in my butt cos of a rock. Drifting inbetween semiconsciousness to listen to joanne preach and val talk about religion sleepily.

  Mosquitoes sing / shift lazily / rub your toes on the cold groundsheet / feel like hugging serene cos she's next to you / tarp misted with dew / surreal darkcool
  .. sigh isn't this so ethereal and beautiful ..
  

• Day 5
  Walk back in 2 hrs. Pack. Clean. (And i slack again. aaah) Enjoy your last moments in camp. Lunch. Obs shopping. Bought a shirt cap keychain and collarpin. Loaded. Last circle-talk with shuxian. Mag cried. And i really miss shuxian now she's like so nice and quiet and caring and .. nice. Nice. Rode the ferry back to punggol and saw the last of shuxian. Sob.

Do i sound mad? No right? Obs just turned me into a more observant person right? Yes? Keep commenting wanna hear from ya..

Harlem yu is damn cute. Haz nvm =) No it isn't a super sunday and i'm being ironic.

Just read val's blog. Another life-changing moment. For one, its long. (attagirl val!) And wow. So insightful. And i'm comparing with myself and feel quite shallow. All that realization of other people's true colours (glad and j-en esp) and ... i don't know what to say. Like my blogs are quite emotionless and just narrative and maybe funny. Maybe i'm just a boring ole bleah and i'm trying to grab attention. Ah. What a poor sucker.

Maybe i'll continue tmr? My brother is stealing the comp from under my fingers.

Hm. Guess i sounded quite suicidal in the previous post. Obs changed me. Somehow, somewhat. Like noticing how people around you aren't so tough or cold as you see them in school but actually nice good caring people down inside. And i'm sorry for slacking around all the time. Like collapsing in a chair or hiding inside the basha so i don't have to wash bowls and things. Really. See people sacrificing for me and i'm really uncomfortable. Feel lousy deep down inside. And i guess i'll try to make it up. No i must make it up to them. How i dunno though. Sigh. Got this feeling in my gut i can't release.

. the sky opens and jaws reach down to engulf
. //the darkness crushes
. /is tangible.
. crawling down an endless tunnel of imagination.
. world heaves
. //spinning blur encapsulates
. /tears down
. dont ever go back to where you came from

-lousy poetry from godknowswhere

Worm. Can't stop thinking about it. This worm rode on my bag all the way back from land ex. Found it under the poncho on my bag and it looked like a piece of mud. Hm. Camouflaged. Used a leaf and flicked it onto the grass. Ant territory. Saw it inch its way around. Looked like one of Oscar's worms. Cute. Then this huge black ant came and ... scooped it up in its jaws. I was watching in morbid fascination. The worm thrashing about in its death throes. The ant slammed from side to side. Then the worm kind of gave up and the ant dragged it away. Feel sort of ... responsible for its death. Even though i know if i flicked it anywhere else it would have died from other things like getting stomped on or sth. And the worm was sort of like, my worm? And i was like, just standing there watching it die. Helpless. Really teaches me a lesson in "how your actions affect other people". Even though its just a worm and not a person its still sunk really deep into me. The worm taken into the ant hive. Swarming. Torn apart. Alive. Vivid. What have i done. But i'm faraway now and the worm's long dead so i shouldn't let it affect me. But i can't and its depressing me somewhat. Sigh. Maybe i'll go off and distract myself with tv. Blood on my hands.

Life seems sort of voidal after obs. Black. Descending back into my lousy life again. And i'm suicidal again. And i hope val is satisfied with the length now.

Obs is a fun memory. Don't feel like blogging it down cos. Cos of val who complains of my blogs being so long and all. So there. Just being a lethargic junkie today and not leaving my house. Sigh. Being back isn't all it's cracked up to be. To think i was missing civilisation and the comforts of technology while i was away. I actually didn't bring my handphone cos i wanted to make myself survive without it but. Guess i shouldn't have bothered.

Damn bored. When there's no deadlines to meet and no unslacky things to look forward to i guess you degenerate. Into an aimless blob vegetating in front of the comp. Sigh. I wanna kayak. Train my arms and get rid of my squish. I'm having withdrawal. No mood to study for o's (yuckh) and serene actually brought shou ce to obs and actually studied. *shudder*

So. I'm feeling damn unfulfilled. Hate this world i live in. Words from coldplay's Don't Panic keep playing again and again.. We live in a beautiful world. Irony is rampant here. Sigh. My blog's very long right. Sorry val. *rolls on the floor in agony and desperation*

Hehe. Wore my pasar-malam clothes i bought yesterday to church. Blue longsleeved stussy shirt with a (ohh beautiful...) logo at the back and the baggy 3/4s. My mom calls it pajamas. My brother calls it weird. (ha. sibling jealousy.) Melvin calls it "the-out-of-bed" look. And everyone else condemns me to gangster status. Ohwell. Its... cosy and warm. When you're sitting under a fan turned to hyper-power. And its damn blasting hot when you're anywhere else. But. I've developed a newfound love for baggy things! Yum. Oh and shui jiao soup is really good! Heh.

NOOOO..... Obs is TOMORROW. Shit. Dang. NOOOO!!! Dun wanna leave my darling -everythings- behind. Bet everyone's glad to see me go. No nuisance of an ad to put up with. No slavedriver to order her brother to cook instant noodles when she feels like it. No crazy girl to drive up the handphone and internet bills superhigh for one whole week. (imagine!) No tornado to turn a nice, freshly-tidied room and bathroom into a scene of devastation. No low-life to raid the fridge and eat through it. Yep. Bet they're very happy indeed.

Sigh. I'll miss my bed. And the fridge. And my "wrestle-whenever-you-get-stressed" brother. And the looong phone conversations. And the zillions of sms i send a day. And my nice, "notice-only-when-they're-not-around" parents. And, and, and.

Miss all of yous =(

Ooh what a productive day. Original mission: Go out with mom to AMK to buy obs thingies and use her money while i'm at it =) Sigh. Once you spot a pasar malam all resolves break. As in, really, really go to pieces. So it degenerated to "Ohh what a nice shirt! Can i please please buy?" and so i bought 2 stussy shirts which are exactly the same colour (this freaks my mom for some reason) and 2 quicksilver baggy threequarters ... (hears melvin in the background saying "wahlao..you pirate!" haha. sorry man. can't help myself)

Splurgesplurge. 2 pairs of track pants, liquid soap, body powder, torch and batteries. Haha. Boom. Bet thats $80 disappeared. Mmm. Yeah good day! Damn satisfying. I love AMK!

Obs starts in 2 days. Dun wanna go =( Given my current stoned and sated status .. noooo =(

Ohhh... I just love blink! Enema of the State. Wow that's just zai man... super total zai. Punk rock rocks =) Its so super hard to play and they can just play and sing delishus. Sighz. Was listening to Adam's Song and its melancholic and ... sad in a blinky-rock sort of way. Yeah i think Enema's better than TOYPJ. Sort of like, more substance and feeling. Melancholy. Yeah. Matches my mood now. I'm a lonely onliner. Hey green day's Dumpweed is so blinky too! wow its such a blink song. And the voices too. And the punky guitars. Ah... my ears are in heaven.

Sheesh. That sounded like what a no-life would say. Yea i feel pretty low-lifed at 12.40am. Nelly Furtado is also ... melancholic too. And travis. And... everything. Melancholy is a predominant feeling today. Or was it yesterday? Hmmm...

Went out with... *decides to spare you so your whoevers wont report to your sis or mom or sth* My anti-boredom pill. Ha. No larh just thanks for making my day better that what it could've been *shudders* Oh and thanks for the ducky too =) I shall find some way to clean it without it falling to pieces in the washing-machine. Dumdeedum. It was really boring! I was like, the only one in the tuition centre. Ohh i met val and her sis on the way. Cool. And freaky. I was like, enjoying a nice peaceful nap and suddenly "Adeline!!" Gaah. Don't you think that's freaky? Please say its freaky. Yayy. Haha.

Acs talk tmr. Don't wanna go. Right in the middle of the day so i gotta have lunch at 11 or sth. I'm quite sure it'll totally destroy my digestive system cos i wake up later than 11. Good thing i bought antacid on tues. Haha go antacid! Made of magnesium oxide.
MgO + 2HCl --> MgCl2 + H2O
I just wuv chem! And i'm going mad. Must sleep soon to replace my atrophied brain cells.

Haiz. Should i go out for dinner tmr? Don't wanna make my darling parents mad at me. They're like, "Your o's are in TWO WEEKS!" And the thing is, they're right! Oh damn! And obs like cuts the two weeks in half. So should i go and enjoy my last day of freedom before i settle down to pack for obs (missing sth?) or do i just ... *sobz* walk on the right path and do the right thing and die to myself? Argh lateness makes me kua zang. Boo.

Shall think later. Oh no. I can feel my brain flowing out of my ears. *scream!* Better go now.

Wheee! So fun =) Oooh yay i never knew post-exams to be so fun! Hey strangely typing with caps looks damn nice. Yea. Funfunfunfun and damn shaggifying too. Been all over singapore! Hahah.

Elaboration (Level 2-3):

1. Bowling
   Cool went with val crys jen sunny kailyn ili and serene. Got persuaded to go Bukit Panjang Plaza Superbowl cos it was $2.20 a game. Hahaha we wanted to bazhan the whole alley and throw synchronized gutterballs =) Wahlao kailyn is pro man. Tai tai kailyn. And serene. Haha could almost hear the floor cry out in pain every time serene threw (as in THREW) a ball down the lane. The ball would BANG onto the floor and then BOUNCE down the lane creating massive shockwaves rippling through the once-level floor of the alley. Wahlao like shes throwing shotput or sth. Kua zang like what. (Must be really stressed yar.) But man she can like improve from 30sth to 72 in 3 games ok. And she claims she supposedly never bowled since she was 6. Right. I'm the lousiest lor. Hovered around 50 throughout all the games. Sigh. But bowling¡¯s fun when you go with a whole group of lousy bowlers! Misery sure loves company.
   Oh kailyn left at 12 to go meet 'hahaha'. Hahaha! And serene went HOME (can believe?)

2. Movie
   Took LRT from bukit panjang to choa chu kang. Hey funnn =) To quote jennie: "funner than a rollercoaster. whoa." And i'm so intrigued by opaquing LRT windows =) Like suddenly the window just turns solid white. I'm gonna ask miss ning! ("For those of you aspiring to be LRT window-designing engineers, ...etc...blablabla...")
   Then reached Lot 1 and jennie decided to desert us to meet 'heeheehee'. pao1 qi4 =( And then some minor disagreements over movie-watchers... ("I wanna watch the bra show!" "NO!") Finally decided to watch america's sweethearts and so the sore loser paoqi us. In the end only me val sunny and ili were left >( And in the end it was only 4 of us in the whole theatre with some other person. Lalala we were sticking our legs over chairs and things. But mostly nice well-behaved good leetle gerls =) Oh and we bought this tub of popcorn that got finished in 20 min. And val. Hahaha... "Oh no! Where's my popcorn? It was in my hand and it's gone! Some invisible person ate it out of my hand!" Obviously. The 'hohoho'. And i got some nasty scratchy popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. Bleah. Show was okay. So predictable. But quite funny larh. Veiled references - "I wanna strangle Larry King with those suspenders of his!¡± "I¡¯m bigger than Ricky Ricardo" and "The Blair Bitch Project" Wahaha. "I am a flower!" And Kiki. *shivers* Gross.

3. Shop!!!
   Sunny and ili left us >(Went orchard to meet hon for dinner. Went to wisma's fila shop cos of the 40% discount and so i hung around being miss val's 'kiki' and holding her bag and her shopping. Oh i'm grateful. Damn grateful. I'm a flower. Hah. Then hon came and we went for another round of shopping. Just couldn't extricate myself from the delicate situation. As a result i missed a wonderful opportunity to go home with the Nice, Chio and Frenly Guy himself, Mr. Melvin. flishflash. Awww. Damn saddening.

4. Dinner
   Yoshi. Yuck. Beef bowl was damn salty and sour. So was the miso soup =P My tastebuds must've been hyper-sensitized by jennie's chemical seaweed soup. Made from all natural reactions between all natural sodium hydroxide and hydrochloric acid. Yum. But its a nice rounding off of the day's eventful events. Then forced to go home. All by myself. Awwman. sniffles.

Came home and evolved into a tv junkie and then a comp junkie. Woohoo. It is a good day indeed. Marking day tmr! Sleep... Rest... Freedom... Pure unadulterated bliss!

Still shallow? So sorry. Guess i'll never attain that whats-her-name's level of expression. What a terrible pity.

Hey today wasn't half bad. Went out with val and crystal (who sadly *sobs for the utter misery of it all* had to leave at TWELVE. gee.) And we walked around heeren twice! Didn't even go into hmv. Hahaha so pointless. Oh and we had a nice lunch at marche. For once i didnt eat rosti! *pooh* Me and val were like.. hui1 jing1 ru2 tu3. Haha we had a pizza, and 'exotic fruit cooler' and a nice scoop of maple walnut icecream. MmmMMmMmmm... $8.30 per person. Not bad right? So we were enjoying our nice meal in this nice green jungle painted part of marche (enhanced effects added by realistic sounds of the jungle - wild screaming jap kids.) and drinking exotic juice. Oh and did you know tomato has a high heat capacity? Never add tomatoes to your pizza. I learnt it the painful, mouth-burnt way.

Then we were supposedly supposed to do "obs shopping" but then we ended up ... shopping for tubes! Hahaha that was damn hilarious... ("Are they padded?" "Haha why dont you just feel them?" <--- communications with a certain inanimate object covering two certain inanimate objects on a mannequin) and theyr'e meant for some people who don't know the fate about to befall them. Ohwell. More walking and a scary chinese pun on indecent prices and 'jian4 jia4' Aargh im freaking. How could anyone possibly do chinese corn? Eek.

And then a trip to taka.. Haha got pissed there by the guy who sells beads cos he charges 2 bucks to make 2 knots. Pissoff. And we journeyed to kino to find 'Knots for Dummies' so we could outknot him. But then sadly the stocks had run out so we sat on the floor to pose major irritating obstructions to people who just want to read in peace. Yay... Val pulled out this book on some asian interior designing and food. It hardly fit the description. Is "have you eaten yet?" a heartfelt asian greeting? Hmms. Well. Have you eaten yet? Would you like some soup in a melon with pineapples growing on top? Would some pork loins with mango salsa and sweet raspberry sauce interest you? Yummy. What delicious pictures.

Then tuition (argh wont tok abt that i was coerced into going for another session on thurs PLUS got my whole leg cramping from sitting on a pinchy little teenieweenie stool) And now im home! Typing blog and downloading 80's songs =) Dun wanna mug. Its mcq tmr. Gaah. Useless. Can't believe i have to mug for sth like that. But it'll be all over tomorrow! AiLurveYewTuuumorrrrow *wails oh-so-tunefully* Hah at least i'm better than kailyn. sniggers.

One more day! Yeeha. Serene was like pestering everyone to 'bring clothes'. Sheesh. No i'm not wearing any clothes to watch movies. Look out tomorrow for the horde of skinny-dippers wandering into cinemas. Oooh.

I have made it thus far. Rest in peace.

=PPP blogger hung yesterday. so post it today lor. bleh.
oh. i decided to write it composition style. nice punctuation and caps yeah? decided to do that cos it supposedly 'makes it more pleasing to read cos it draws your eye along the sentences'. is it working?

sighz. is this quite shallow? of course it is. it never even comes close to your 'oh-so-deep' standards. im sorry for making you go thru mental torture then. so im sorry this isnt zai/doesnt reach your enlightened state of deepness. forgive me will you.

todays a damn shit day. argh. ARGH! hormones rage within me. im drowning in a sea of emotional turmoil. and im sneaking around again to blog. and i dont even know what crap im writing. hope my mom doesnt wake up in the middle of the night to walk around.

metamorphosis. *screamcryseethegrowlglareswithmurderousintent*

a dark being rises from the deep.

i feel like tearing sth apart. not paper. its just not satisfying enough. more like wanting to tear someone apart. with my bare hands. smash through a wall. yeah the absolute power. and i DONT CARE IF THIS IS NOT ZAI DAMN YOU.

argh my inferiority complex is killing me! why does everyone say ss is damn easy?! ok everyone whos un-rgs. damn. ok lor this goes to show that rgs is quite dumb. and im quite dumb :(

and i hate question c! and today stupidly was also the day us attacks. wahlao this is damn shit ok what an interesting start to our exams. hmhm *wonders* will the violence escalate so that our o's are cancelled? harhar fat hopes.

argh my insides are twisting. im having morbidity attacks. -help-
save me from my end... 8 days left.

M I N D S E T @ D A N W A

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W E L O V E Z A Z A

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